


In the Morning

by orphan_account



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 15:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11443677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Aaron comes to a decision. (A continuation of the July 7th episode)





	In the Morning

**Author's Note:**

> My first work, so don't expect much. Canon-typical warnings - non-explicit Gordon mentions, Jackson mention, allusions to self-harm, ect. Y'know, typical Aaron stuff. Also, I'm not British.

Aaron was tired.

Pressing his forehead against the cool tile, he watched as the dirt and grime from the day’s work swirled down the drain. Unbidden, his thoughts drifted to a blade between his fingers and drops of crimson painting the shower floor. He shut his eyes.

Katie’s death and its aftermath, the trial, the accident, prison, Robert sleeping with Rebecca – every time he thought they had made it through the worst of it, something new popped up to shatter his illusions. He had been certain that he could forgive Robert, that both of them wanted Rebecca out of their lives, and that they could finally focus on being married and happy together.

But the baby would change everything. He was tired of the power that Rebecca had wielded over their relationship, almost immediately after she had dropped into Emmerdale with her floppy hats and disarming smile. She had been back in town for a few weeks and that was all it took for communication between him and Robert to come to a standstill, for all the smiles they had shared in her absence to become subdued – for the reality of their situation to come back in full force.

Aaron was starting to fear it would always be this way. He knew Robert, could tell that his feelings about the baby were beginning to change and Aaron wanted to be supportive. But at the same time, a part of him hated Robert. For making him think he was being paranoid for worrying about Rebecca, for choosing to sleep with her to hurt him, for putting him in a position to have choose between his biggest fears – living without Robert or watching Robert share something with Rebecca that he couldn’t provide. 

In his heart, he knew that Robert loved him and that him sleeping with Rebecca had been a mistake. But his head stewed over what a natural progression it felt like – from finding out about their past affair, to Rebecca telling him about their kiss, to Robert sneaking around spending time with her, and then finally finding out they had slept together. He had been in Rebecca’s shoes before - hopelessly in love with a married Robert - and he knew the type of lies that Robert could spin, both to his partner and bit on the side. He couldn’t go back to feeling like he had to fight or worry about his position with Robert. Deep down, he knew the only difference between himself and Rebecca was that Robert eventually chose him. In the not so distant past, he himself had accepted any scrap of affection Robert was willing to dish out, desperate for any sign of sincerity or requited feelings. He knew that he had done and forgiven far worse in the name of love than she would ever do.  Maybe one day Robert would leave him, she would finally move on, or another Rebecca would pop up for Robert to use when convenient. He didn’t know anymore.

He just knew he couldn’t trust Robert, no matter how much he wanted to. It’d been the same story since he met Robert, hadn’t it? Every time he thought they had some breakthrough and he was getting a glimpse into the real Robert, some new deceit popped up causing him to doubt everything. He knew Robert loved him, but he had loved Katie and Chrissie too, and that hadn’t been enough to stop Robert from straying, and hadn’t been enough to last. Why would he be any different? 

He thought back to Jason’s words about Gordon ruining him; how hard he had fought to stay away from the spice after his disastrous visit with Robert; how the thought of moving into Mill Cottage with Robert and Liv was what kept him going, made him ignore the aching in his ribs and the desire for an escape from reality. He would have a proper little family, something he thought he’d never have. He and Robert would have a brand new start as a married couple.  He’d finally be happy.

But Gordon had gotten the last laugh, hadn’t he? In the house bought with Gordon’s blood money, Rebecca had christened his bedroom and now she was going to give Robert what Aaron thought he and Liv were supposed to be. Despite what Robert claimed, the truth was that Aaron was never enough, not when it mattered. Not enough to stop Gordon from hurting him. Not enough to convince his mum to stick around as kid. Not enough to persuade Jackson that his life was worth living, not enough incentive for him to give it a proper chance. Not enough for Robert to choose him over Chrissie. And now, not enough for Robert to stay faithful. Just like Robert said he would, Aaron had gone and screwed everything up and Robert had paid him back in the worst way possible. The sad part was that he had always known it would happen eventually. Everyone had warned him– his mum, Paddy, Lawrence, Chrissie, even himself- and they’d all been right.

Aaron knew he had made countless bad decisions in his life, both impulsive and seemingly innocuous, that had led to hurt and pain for both himself and others. But this wasn’t like the decision to step out of Jackson’s van, to text Katie, or to grab a bottle of whisky and stomp out into the night. It was clear as day how staying with Robert now would slowly destroy him. He saw his bruised knuckles and Kasim’s blood on the pavement; his mum going back and forth with Carl and Cameron, one disaster after another; saw himself, crying to Robert that he hated who he was around him and that he didn’t want his life to be steeped in paranoia and jealousy. Prison had shown him he didn’t want messed up; he wanted to be happy, and he didn’t know if he could have that with Robert anymore.

Taking a deep breath, he toweled off, slipped on his boxers, and placed his ring on the nightstand. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe that they had made it that far, that he had actually gotten what he wanted; he should’ve known better than to think it would last.

A few minutes after he had settled in bed, he heard the door creak open and Robert tip-toe in.

“Aaron?”

Aaron’s jaw clenched and he feigned sleep as Robert moved around the room. He knew Robert was probably hurt from his earlier dismissal, but his anger was close enough to the surface for him not to care. It was in these rare moments - where his dislike for Robert seemed to outweigh his love - that he wished he could always cling to these feelings and finally let go.

“Aaron,” Robert tried again as he settled in close behind him. Aaron couldn’t prevent his frustrated exhale of breath as he scooted away. He heard Robert sigh and lean back against his pillow.

“I’ve messed everything up, haven’t I?” Robert said quietly.

“We both did,” Aaron admitted, a few beats late.

“This doesn’t have to ruin us.”

But Aaron didn’t know how to respond to that. It didn’t feel like he had a real choice in the matter; he was ruined no matter what he decided.

“Just tell me what you want me to do, Aaron. Please,” Robert pleaded, a rare hint of desperation colouring his voice. Aaron swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Just go to bed, Robert,” he answered as his vision blurred.

Aaron tried to calm his thoughts and drift off to sleep when Robert spoke up a few moments later.

“I do love you, Aaron. You know that,” Robert insisted.

Aaron nodded automatically.

“I know,” he whispered, wiping the tears from his eyes.

He didn’t know how to tell Robert that it wasn’t about love or forgiveness. There were so many jumbled thoughts and doubts in his mind and he didn’t know to express them. He didn’t know if they were good for each other, he didn’t see a way this situation could end happily for him, he didn’t know if he could cope, he didn’t know which choice was best for Liv – he didn’t know if he should even bother anymore. Maybe they had just been ignoring all the signs that pointed to them not being right for each other. Maybe this was how they were meant to end.

“And you still love me?”

“Yes,” Aaron breathed.

 _But I don’t want to anymore_ , he thought.

He bit his knuckle to choke back a sob as realized that he did, he wanted out. Even with his back turned to a Robert lying on the other side of the bed, he felt suffocated. He remembered Adam’s advice that he not do anything rash, and he hadn’t. He had kicked off, but then listened to Robert and tried to forgive him. He had given it time, but it wasn’t working. And it never would, he realized. They were broken.

In the dark of their bedroom, he could just make out the glint of his wedding ring on the nightstand. It was same one he had never wanted to take off - the one he could hardly believe was on his finger – and now he knew he would never wear it again. He didn’t want to hurt Robert, and he could accept his own role in the mess they made, but he didn’t want to hurt himself either. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw that Robert had finally fallen asleep. He had never expressed himself the way Robert did, but he did love him, more than anything. Feeling stupidly sentimental, he sheepishly leaned over and lightly kissed Robert’s forehead. In the morning, Aaron knew he would end up hurting them both. But for now, they could sleep.

 

 

 


End file.
